My Heart

In elementary school I wrote a book about my friends who had physical disabilities.  I wrote about jumping on the trampoline with Jackie who had spina bifida.  I wrote about swimming with Ramona who had a deformed arm.  I wrote about having sleepovers with Sheena who had one ear.  I was only 8 or 9 years old, but I recall being very aware of people with disabilities and looking for ways to help them.

In grade 12 I attended a youth retreat that focused on putting words to what we hoped/planned/felt we wanted to do with our lives.  We were guided through sessions in which we reflected on our past, our abilities, our passions, our goals, and our God-given calling.  One evening we were asked to draw where we could see ourselves in the next 5 years and then to put it into one sentence.  My sentence, still in my head since 2001, "To love the unloved and unlovable with God's love".  I had a heart for those marginalized because of disabilities.

Just after turning 18, I stumbled into a respite job that lasted 8 years.  I was deeply impacted first by Lindsay, then Alex, Josh, Marshall, and Emily.  I read, learned, heard stories, and lived autism for a number of years.  My heart grew from caring for those with physical disabilities to those with mental and developmental disabilities.

In university, I was invincible and the sky was the limit.  I had dreams of fostering kids with special needs, adopting, doing respite longterm, living in a L'Arche community, working in a group home, or starting a home for multi-day respite.

It feels like this thread has woven through so many stages of my life.  It's changed forms a little over the years, but to me it feels very cohesive.  The heart that God has placed in me for loving the unloved with His love has expressed itself in various forms depending on my age and situation in life.  But it's all coming  from the same place inside.

Now in the parenting phase, I am strongly drawn to the fostering/adopting idea.  It just feels like a continuation of the passion God has placed in my heart.  And I can do it.  I really think I can.  Not that it will be easy, I wouldn't ever assume that.  But I do think I have the gifts to make it work.  And I think I would enjoy it.  Again, of course there would be ups and downs, but it feels right to me.

But I wouldn't ever want to go into it without Bernie's support.  And he's just not there.  So I'm stuck.  Waiting.  Waiting for something that may never happen.  Knowing that I feel there is still someone missing in our family, knowing that another pregnancy does not excite me, knowing that my husband is very happy to stick with the three kids we have, and knowing that I don't have this desire and passion for nothing.  Now what?